it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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