Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
