honey bunches of taint.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
