I accidentally had phone sex last night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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