CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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