im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize