I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
