omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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