Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
