my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
