I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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