Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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