god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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