you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
