What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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