There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
