She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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