The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
