you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
