She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
