I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
