lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
