Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
