I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
