he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
