why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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