He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
a search helicopter?!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize