So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
