I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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