so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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