she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
