a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think my fart just growled at me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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