It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
