It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
