I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm passing your future prison.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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