Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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