i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize