My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
