I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
