keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
