..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
