maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
