I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
