sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
