In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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