Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
