It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
