even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
