butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
