did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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