if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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