none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
