I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
