His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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