last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
