If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
