how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
