so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
