Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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