she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
