Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize