Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Houston, we have a blender
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
